After discussing erotic blueprints last week, Clare and Rachel happily highlight the variety of orgasms that are available to women. To make it easy to remember they’ve created an alphabetical way to list them: A is for anal, B is for breast/nipple, C is for clitoral/cervical, D is for double = multiple, E is for energetic, F is for f#%cking good, and G is for g-spot.
Turns out Clare has so much to share about anal orgasms like creating a proper environment in order to relax and surrender with your partner, permission to go slow, and how to give a relaxing “bum” massage to your partner, that it looks like the rest of the orgasms will just have to wait to each have their own show.
*Clare got a book for her birthday from a girlfriend by Dan Savage, called Savage Love from A to Z: advice on sex and relationships, dating and mating, exes and extras. Dan is a sex advice columnist celebrating his thirty years of providing sex positive advice with the release of his book. It inspired Clare to think about some of her favorite orgasms and a fun way for listeners to remember them…Orgasms A – G.
*A is for anal, B is for breasts/nipples, C is for clitoris/cervix, D is for double (meaning multiple O’s), E is for energetic, F is for F#%cking amazing, & G is for g-spot
*Rachel and Clare began by talking about multiple orgasms and whether the first or the second one was stronger, which led Rachel to share that she needs a “breather” after an orgasm with Steven. She describes the orgasmic feeling as “fizzy” and that Steven would love to keep going and have her experience another orgasm. She is open to having more, without her body feeling overwhelmed.
*Clare talks about her experience at age forty-eight with a lover who wouldn’t let her crawl into her usual fetal position to just enjoy her one and only orgasm and that was the start of opening up her body to experience multiple orgasms. Her journey also involved relaxed breathing.
*Rachel feels like when she takes a breather for a few minutes that her sexual desire level goes down and then they’d have to begin again to build up her desire. Clare explains that women are like clay ovens and if they have enough stimulation (30-40 minutes) before their first orgasm, then their erectile tissue is plump and physiologically they have the capacity to experience more orgasms.
*Clare invites Rachel to change her mindset to embrace the idea that she has unlimited potential for orgasms as a Goddess of Pleasure. Rachel laughs and confesses that she sometimes uses her thighs to tighten around Steven’s wrist when he is stimulating her with his hand, so that he can’t keep touching her after her first orgasm.
*Often when Clare is coaching a couple or a man with early ejaculation issues she uses the visual of multiple peaks and valleys to describe pleasure rather than one sharp peak that equates with a quick orgasm followed by a quick loss of desire. This type of fast arousal pattern is reinforced from adolescence when a guy doesn’t want the embarrassment of getting caught while masterbating, but it trains the brain to orgasm quickly.
*To counteract this wiring in the brain, Clare suggests the concept of building the sexual energy a bit and then purposely letting it drop and repeating this. Clare comments that she’s seen the reaction of disappointment over a thousand times in the eyes of her clients hearing this new concept, so it’s pretty typical. She tells them that they need to trust that their body will be able to be aroused again.
*Clare invites Rachel to try doing the Tantra practice of eye gazing together while placing one of her hands over her partner’s heart and breathing together after an orgasm. Clare asks Rachel about who is the first one to orgasm? Rachel says that it used to be her husband but now it is almost always her and Steven is turned on by turning her on.
*The conversation returns to anal orgasms and Clare says that the most common response from women she coached last year is that anal sex is taboo. Her clients were already trying to get past their sex negative religious conditioning, so when she suggested playing and massaging around the anus and how many nerve endings are there for potential orgasms, she would get these curious looks of doubt, like “I just don’t know if I can get past that”.
*Clare would like to acknowledge that there is a lot of shame and conditioning around anal sex, that it is something bad or dirty. Rachel is asking about the physical cleanliness how to’s rather than having issues with the mental cleanliness. Rachel laughs that Clare’s face gets all “shiny”, like a little girl on Christmas morning, as she gets ready to share her personal details about anal orgasms.
*Cleanliness concerns can be addressed by using a saline enema to clean out the rectum. Clare mentions that she had a lover who took great pride in having a super clean ass. She prefers to be fresh out of the shower when having anal play. In the first season of a Netflix series called Sex Education, a gay adolescent had the same question about cleanliness and was told about enemas.
*For peace of mind, Clare talks about putting a towel down over the sheets and having a washcloth around to wipe off a finger. And yes the downside of anal play is dealing with poop but the upside is the amazing orgasms.
*Clare’s former lover used to be able to find an area inside of her anus that felt like he was strumming a guitar string and she experienced 5, 6 or 7 orgasms in a relatively short time span and didn’t feel worn out like she would from that many vaginal orgasms. Clare was also more comfortable with just a finger used for anal play and a boundary that there would not be penetration with a penis. But you don’t even need to have penetration to still enjoy anal play.
*A great way to begin exploring is to have your partner lay on their stomach & give them a butt massage and agree that there won’t be any penetration, so the partner can relax and feel safe in a set boundary. Because it’s almost like being a virgin and it’s natural to wonder if it is going to hurt.
*You could spend 10 minutes just massaging your partner from the low back, down the legs on the outside and up the legs on the inside and hold when you get to where the butt meets the hamstrings (called the gluteal ridge) and just put some gentle or firm pressure and slowly move up the butt cheeks gently spreading them apart. Try repeating this stroke slowly, with oil or lotion for 25 or 50 times, it’s really relaxing.
*You could add a vibrator that isn’t pointed at the anus for penetration but just resting in the butt crack. There is also a lovely space between the legs of a woman that could have the vibrator placed there, while the partner continues with the stroke. We hold a lot of tension in our butt cheeks. So, the feeling of surrendering this tension under your partner’s hands is wonderful.
*Rachel’s take away is that she loves the idea of surrendering together and is ready to try bum massages because she is less scared of bums now. They both hope that the listeners are as well.
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Dan Savage’s Book is called Savage Love from A to Z: Advice on Sex and Relationships, Dating and Mating, Exes and Extras. Amazon link: https://www.amazon.com/Savage-Love-Advice-Relationships-Dating/dp/1632173824/ref=tmm_hrd_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1643698095&sr=8-1