Pleasure, curiosity, and empowerment – the keys to unlocking a life of unapologetic joy and self-discovery. We are back for part 2 of Clare Sente’s Origin Story. For today’s episode, we dive deep into Clare’s sexual awakening and explore the realms of pleasure, curiosity, and empowerment. Clare shares how her childhood conditioning was around sex, what she wished her younger self could have known, and her amazing sexual awakening at age 46. The awakening opened up a whole new phase of confidence and creativity. From her early sexual experiences to rediscovering herself through pleasure practices, Clare’s story is a celebration of self-discovery, empowerment, and the unapologetic pursuit of joy. And this is Clare’s motivation to share the message with other women.
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S3E3: Clare’s Origin Story Part 2: A Journey To Sexual Awakening And Self-Discovery
Welcome to Episode 3. Rachel is doing a two-part interview series with me. I love to talk too much. We were thinking of Episode 2 of Season 3. We started our season with our origin story. In Episode 1, I interviewed Rachel and in Episode 2, she interviewed me. By chance, we realized that I had so much to say about my life and it didn’t have anything to do with my love life. We’re going to break down Episode 3 into more poignant things in my life that affect how my sexuality, my preferences, who I am, and my authenticity have evolved over the course of many years. There’s a lot that’s going on there. Rachel is going to interview me. Take it away, Rach.
We got to the end of the last episode and I was like, “How have we got an hour into this discussion about you and your life and we’ve never talked about sex? What is going on here?” We’re doing it in this episode. If you missed part one, go back and read part one of Clare’s story. We get a beautiful introduction to who she is, why she is, how she is, and how amazing she is, which you and I know already. If you stuck with us through three seasons, you know that she’s awesome.
If you’ve not read part one, go and do that because that’s going to give us some context for this. We might make little references to it. Pause and come back. Miss Clare, in my origin story, when it came to sex, it was important that I not have sex until I was married. That was a big part of my upbringing and it was maybe a little bit less fashionable for me and my generation. However, that was something that maybe not quite from such a strict religious upbringing but that was still something that was very much in your sphere. Am I right?
You are right, Rachel. My parents grew up Catholic in Europe. I always knew that my mom was more religious than my dad. I knew that she had waited for my dad. He was the one and only man she’s ever been with. I grew up with that. I was very religious/spiritual. I loved God. I thought he was everywhere. I did have a very close and deep relationship with him. I said, “That’s what my mom said. That’s what we’re doing. I’m going to be a virgin.”
The workaround in high school, when you’ve got the hormones flowing was, “I’m going to be a virgin,” but I also started to date someone seriously at the end of my junior year and through the summer. In that part, our workaround was we did oral sex. That was our way. There was no penetration. He knew I didn’t want to lose my virginity before I got married. I had that in my head. It wasn’t like until I’m a certain age. It was like, “I’m saving it for marriage.”
It’s all hormones but those teenage hormones are some powerful things where we lay it in our best intentions. Were you okay with doing things like oral sex or was there still some guilt there that maybe that was not okay?
That is a great question and I haven’t thought of that for a long time. I honestly can’t tell you if there was some guilt but it had to be little because I was having too much fun. I don’t remember the guilt but I do remember the hard stuff. It’s like, “Yes, here’s my boundary.” God bless him, he didn’t push that boundary. With that, I could relax into it. I’ve heard some younger kids who grew up in the ’90s and it was no sex. Their workaround was anal sex doesn’t count. That’s like, “That one wasn’t even in my wheelhouse at that point. Nope.” It was enough with the oral and the hands.
We could have a whole other episode. Mormons get creative about ways to not have sex. There’s this thing called soaking and docking. There are all sorts of ways to have sex but technically, we’re not having sex. Some involve getting your friends. I didn’t do any of these. One of the ways is if there’s no thrusting, then it’s not sex or a penis can be inside a vagina which is like docking. You get your friends to come and jump on the bed so they’re the ones who make movement.
That could be the best story I’ve heard yet.
Sorry to make it about one of my stories but that’s a good one.
You’ve got your friends in the room and your partner’s docking. I love that. Rach, we have very creative ways when we want to get something done.
We want to get that done. Teenagers or not, that’s what we want. That’s what we’re hardwired to do. I love how much you’re still giggling. You’re enjoying the idea.
I’m imagining. I’m scared to have sex with my partner because I’m a virgin and then I’ve got my friends there jumping on the bed, that sounds so absurd. I’d love a cartoon show with that.
I’ll make that happen. I’ll throw you a little sketch. You are saving yourself.
I was saving myself. You could keep me moving because I want to get to the sexual awakening. I do want to say something about my experience with working, and not even just in sexuality but in female empowerment and my background of working with women as a dietician and other things. I have heard so many horrible stories of people’s first experiences and how they can scar you and change the whole course of things.
Especially for women, there are many horrible stories of people's first sexual experiences that can really scar you and change the whole course of things. Click To TweetI was lucky that I had a great experience. What I wanted to say was I came very close to, not with this boyfriend but there was a party in my senior year. My boyfriend was one year older so he was off to college. In December, college kids come home. You’re a senior and there are some nice parties that are going on. There was some house party going on and I was there. I was not with my boyfriend. I was with a friend of my boyfriend who was sad because his girlfriend broke up with him. He was one of the couples that we had gone to dances with.
I was in the room. When I look back at it, I’m like, “That was so weird. That was precarious. What were you doing?” We were playing darts and doing a drinking game. He was sad and then started to say, “If I throw a dart and I get this, then I get a hug. If I throw the dart here, then I get a kiss.” How I even let that happen, I’m not sure but the kiss went bad fast, and all of a sudden, there was a rip button on my pants and I was pushed down on a bed.
I know what a freeze response is when a woman says that she gets mad at herself later because she’s like, “Why didn’t I fight back? Why didn’t I slap his face? Why didn’t I kick him in the balls? What the hell?” I was so surprised that this was a friend of my boyfriend who was pushing me down on a bed and had ripped a button off my slacks. It could have gone bad and all I have to say is a shout-out to Lee Campo. That’s her maiden name. She was one of my best friends and she must have had her antenna up.
She was like, “Something’s wrong.” She’s opening doors and going through the house. She walked in the door and that stopped this guy. It was a shock. It was so weird but what came of it is why I am saying that this is something that changed the trajectory of my virginity. Luckily, nothing horrendous happened. It was a scary thing and it had a good ending with that. Lee got me out of that but my boyfriend was so mad that he broke up. That whole five months of the next semester of my senior year, he didn’t want to have anything to do with me. He thought it was all my fault.
I was desperate to try and get him back. The car accident came. I’m thinking, “I almost died.” The way it happened Rachel is, in August, I was done with high school and going off to college. We’d go on dates but he was mopey about this whole thing. He couldn’t decide whether we were dating or we weren’t dating. We went on camping in a pop tent. There it all happened. It hurt like hell. I was like, “What did I do?”
However, I can honestly tell you that I succumbed and let that boundary down because I was so desperate to win him back. That was how this played out and different things will play out in every reader’s memory like, “It could have gone this way or this way.” I’m saying it all lined up that it went that way. All of a sudden, here I am. I was like, “I thought I was going to be this but I’m not.” It hurt like hell but the rest of the summer, that was fun. It was great.
It’s so fascinating to me that I’m not sure how exactly we learn that is power. Generally, this is a cis female thing. This a tool that I have in my arsenal to win boys to get forgiven and get ahead. This is the tool that I can use. It’s wielded like that because somehow, we learn that it’s how we get, “I want somebody to see me, love me, respect me, and forgive me.” That’s the tool we pull out to make that happen. I am not sure how we learn it but it’s a tool that is wielded that hurts the wielder. There’s a cost to using that.
It undermines and takes away the power of us but that’s the one thing we know that’s been handed down. That is your way to have some power in a more patriarchal world where we’re not naturally in power. We have power over sex.
Even if it hurts you, you’re not ready, or there are emotions involved that you’re not prepared for, that’s the way that you can do it even if there’s all this kind of other stuff that comes with it. I’m going to skip with legal Clare has lost her virginity and it was good. She enjoyed it because the sex is good. There’s a lot of sexual discovery that happens. You were married quite young. How old were you when you got married?
I wouldn’t say I was married quite young. I got married at 28. 20 or 21 is quite young. Eighteen is quite young. I have a girlfriend who’s celebrating her 40 years because she got married at 21 and they have a great marriage, Debbie and Scott. They’re amazing. I didn’t but I will say that there were five years that I was faithful in college. We were long-distance. I wanted to make it work and then with graduate school, there was some experimenting. I waited until 28.
This is relatable. I saw a lot of my girlfriends getting married. Some got married right after college. That was 21. Some are getting married on 25, 26, and 27. You are going to a lot of weddings at around 27 and 28. I see that with the younger ones. It might be 30 but you start seeing a lot of your friends get married. If you’re that single girl that keeps going to weddings and you’re a bridesmaid, it starts.
What happened to me that I want to put out there is that I was loyal for seven years to that first boyfriend. I did some experimenting in graduate school. I latched onto another person after graduate school. I was living in the city before I met Dave, my ex-husband. I hung out with him for three years hoping something was going to happen. He kept saying, “Don’t ask me again, Clare,” because I was the one. It’s pretty normal for women at this point to say, “We’ve been dating. What are your intentions?” I feel like my biological time clock was ticking at 27. For sure, it kicked in at 28. My poor ex-husband didn’t have a chance. I was like, “We are making a baby.”
What I wanted to say that might relate to some of the other episodes that we’re going to do in Season 3 is I wish I knew about attachment styles, Rachel. It’s because, at that point, I have some that were anxious attachments and some that are avoidant attachments. The anxious attachment is I had these two longer-term boyfriends that I loved and they didn’t want to settle down with me.
After those two, at age 27, I was 28 when I met Dave and then I turned 28 and we got married fairly quickly. It was because I wanted to lock that in and that’s my thing that the wiser Clare wishes she could have said to the younger Clare, “Let’s look at this.” I wish I could have whispered in her ear and said, “Both of these men will not marry until they’re either 50 or 48 so it’s not you,” but I thought it was me.
I met Dave and this handsome hulky hunk of a guy who was so kind. It was weird, Rachel. He was funny. He was like the Hulk. He was huge and muscular. I kept thinking, “Aren’t you a dick?” I’m used to dating guys who are hunky but they also know that they’re hot. They’re dicks at times and he was not. That was weird for my nervous system but I was like, “Lock this guy down. He wants to get married.” This was part of the mistake that I wished the older Clare could have told Clare, “Slow down. Slow the roll. Let’s take some time with Dave and get to know one another.” We eloped eight weeks after the meeting. It was because I was so ready. That biological time clock was ready.
I don’t mean this in a mean way but it almost could have been anybody who was a little bit nice to you.
It’s bad. Thank goodness I got the best kids, Natalie and Jake, who came from the genes of the two of us. I am so happy it was Dave.
I want to talk about sex again. That’s what I want to do very quickly.
What I ended up getting out of that quick marriage jump-in was a guy who’s funny. He was the third child. He was a kid. He always made me laugh, which I love. He is not as dependable but that came later in his life. We were not matched sexually and that was a bummer. I did get pregnant on the first try.
I remember after we got married, I said, “I want to have a baby.” He said, “Clare, we just got to know each other. Can’t we have some fun?” I was like, “No.” After the first time, he said, “No. I can’t be a part of this. We need some time to get to know one another,” and it was too late. I got pregnant the first time. Along came Natalie, nine months later. It was 30 when I had Natalie.
How did you not know that mismatch was there? I’m assuming that you had sex with each other in that eight weeks. How did you miss that mismatch?
This one’s a little personal but I’m not trying to air dirty laundry. I’m trying to point out some things I wish my wiser self could have told my younger self. My part in why it’s a mismatch is I was a pleaser. I still am. I’m working on it. I had no skills to say, “I don’t like this. Can we do this? Why don’t we try this? Can you please do this?” It’s almost like through telepathy I was hoping he would pick it up but in terms of sex, we talked in Season 1 about Erotic Blueprint, and his was sexual. It’s very black and white in terms of there wasn’t the sensual part, the kink, and certainly, it wasn’t energetic.
I’m energetic and sensual. It would’ve been my job if I felt like I deserved to say, “I need this and this.” What ended up happening was I settled for things. What happens when a woman doesn’t speak her truth is after a while, you hold resentment and my resentment would build. He couldn’t figure out sometimes when I’m mad at him.
When a woman doesn't speak her truth, after a while, she holds resentment. Click To TweetIt’s because for a sexual guy, he needs to see your butt or boobs and he’s great. As far as he’s concerned, this is great. He’s getting what he wants. He’s got this hot wife. It’s hard when a person is getting their needs met to imagine how there could be something wrong with this marriage. That’s going to build up and compound that resentment as well when the other person is going, “I’m fine. This is great. What’s your problem?”
There are two things, Rachel, because one is a very complimentary thing and the other one is a preference. He says, “It’s not you Clare. I just don’t like that.” The first one is he’s huge and not just big. If you don’t have enough time with foreplay and because he wasn’t as much into that, I was like, “This is painful.” It’s a lot easier if he was small. I don’t think we’re going to have these issues. That’s one. I don’t know how in 8 weeks we never got around to it but in the 9 years we were after that, he wasn’t into oral sex.
If you take away giving, which I love giving and that’s part of my turn on, giving as well as receiving, he didn’t want either. I’m like, “Is it something?” Thank goodness I had a history of enjoying that and I have a skillset around that. I can relax into it. I had no issues or hang-ups with me. I was just disappointed.
In the end, if I could have done something different, I would’ve tried to start therapy earlier than we did. It’s because I did it at the end when I said, “I’m done. I can’t be in this marriage.” After nine and a half years, I walked away from it. He was left in the dark because the guy was like, “What? You didn’t talk to me about these things.” I could have asked for more things.
With all said and done, we are friends. We have been friends for many years. We have holidays together. We celebrate things because I want my children not to have to choose between their mom and dad for their special things. He jokes. If anyone says, “What’s your issue with Clare and how sex was,” he’d say, “She’s so bossy.” I was like, “I said the same things over and over. Don’t go direct or indirect. I’ve never said anything other than that. Don’t go right to the bullseye. I need some warming up.”
Is it any wonder why I am holding the torch for a lot of women to say I know what it’s like? It’s so frustrating because I’m like, “You could have so much more sex if we could get you to try some of these things that I need to warm up my body,” but it was a mismatch. He was great in the eyes. He had a hot body and a nice and kind heart but we are a mismatch in sex and that was hard. That’s not the reason I broke up but it didn’t make it as enjoyable. For, nine and a half years, I was like, “God, this is a funny joke you’ve given me. I got these beautiful kids. I have what I want but I don’t have this part of me that was pretty important.”
What’s fascinating is that all of our lovely readers, if you all went back and read part one of this, we say all the time how you feel in sex, life, work, and with friends. It’s all the same. If you feel good in one, you feel good. Also, that feeling that you had to please another person, a feeling like you weren’t allowed to say what you wanted, and holding in to be the most pleasant version of yourself. When you do finally say what it is you want, it’s because you’ve been brought to some kind of breaking point where you’re not communicating nicely.
After all, you’re full of rage and resentment because you’ve been holding it in and trying to please everybody for so long. Wouldn’t have that been more beautiful if we all as young people would’ve gone, “I’m allowed to say what I want right from the get-go, express my needs, take up my space, and be the full flavor of who I am?” Also, do not wait until we’re nearly broken and then shout, beg, or cry for it. That’s a rant. I’m sorry.
No, it’s not a rant. I appreciate you saying all that because that’s sadness in my heart. I wish I had the tools. I wish we talked about love languages. I wish we had Erotic Blueprint. I wish we had some workshops that we could have gone to because there was a lot that did work. I know there are a lot of couples out there who are like, “He’s a good guy. She’s a great girl. We were so good but there’s nothing there. There’s either no spark. I’ve lost total interest.”
That part adds so much richness to our lives but it’s easier, especially for a woman once she hits menopause, as your estrogen levels go down and your sex drive does typically plummet. Unless you work on it, you’re like, “This is great. I don’t need this anymore.” The guy is left wondering, “I still need it.” It was a great rant, Rachel. It’s very relative.
What was that thing that you mentioned about sex drives plummeting around menopause?
Is that a segue?
Your sexual life plummeted at menopause, Clare. True or false?
Let’s put it this way. My birthday is at the end of September. When I talk about a year that something happened, and I might say one year, 47 or 48, it happened when I was 47 and going into my 48th birthday. I met someone. I was not in menopause and I was not in because I didn’t feel any perimenopause for me. There was nothing. I didn’t even know what was coming because no one told me. I didn’t listen to menopause.
I’m still thinking, “I’m healthy and feeling good.” I’m not going to give too many details because if I did, someone would figure it out. I’ll be like Carly Simon when someone says, “Who did you write the song about he’s so vain,” and she’s not telling. People are like, “Warren Beatty. Who is it?” I’m not giving credit to this very wonderful man who opened up my sexual horizons at ages 47 and 48. It’s because that didn’t need to be that way either. When you talk about energetic orgasms, it is not all about what happens between your legs. It’s a whole-body thing.
At this point, you are becoming naturally aware that you respond energetically and on a sensory level.
Nope. There was no knowledge yet of energy and sensory. That’s why it was so exciting that I was a one-orgasm person. I was happy when I could have an orgasm from penetration. Let’s reiterate this to the women are reading. I’ll take it down and say 70% of women do not have orgasms regularly from penetration. They need clitoral stimulation or other types of stimulation in addition to that. I thought it was pretty great a couple of years earlier that I could figure out, “When I’m on top and I’ve got certain positions, I could manipulate my body or the rhythm and get a vaginal orgasm.” One is done.
However, what was funny about this person was he noticed. We talked about this. I would crawl into a ball like a little pill bug because I wanted to keep all the goodness in. I was like, “That was amazing,” from let’s say oral sex. He kept saying, “Why are you stopping and containing it? You’re like the guy that jumps on the grenade. You should let it flow. Lay on your back and let that energy flow.” That alone was a big difference in having your body be more just open to letting that flow. I didn’t know about that stuff.
Was that something that was natural to him? Had he been with a lot of people? Had he done research or classes? Was that something that he innately knew?
I love that you’re asking these questions because I don’t think I ever talked about it but we had something in common. If anyone heard my history, I wanted to be a sex therapist. My mom shut that one down at Indiana University but they had it at the Kinsey Institute. I took a sexuality class in my junior year. I was already fascinated with all these different things about sex. I met my match.
He was like, “I read these things.” He was very progressive. He’s like, “I have these discussions with my mom.” He’s an adult man. I was like, “This is so cool.” He knew his way around, let’s say, and did know some things. He had a curiosity and had been with plenty of other women. However, what he did say was that I had an openness that I was willing to be experimenting with. We are curious. We were playing.
After a while, the big joke was he’d skip and say, “Don’t even talk Clare. She talks to me.” It’s like, “You don’t even have to say anything. She tells me what to do and I follow.” I was like, “Really?” It’s because she’s bypassing me. I have no idea about this conversation you two are having. I’m only along for the ride. It’s super fun.
That’s so funny because when I was listening to you, the word curiosity is that openness to sometimes marriage or being in a long-term partnership with two people. It becomes rhythmical and repetitive. “This is how we do it.” We settle into something that is comfortable, works, and is safe. Sometimes the curiosity for like, “What else could it be? What more could it be,” tends to go a little bit. When I was listening to you, it sounds like what you both have is that curiosity of, “What if this or that?” Also, the playfulness of it as well. “That might not work but let’s try this.” I love that he was talking to her.
If I could give a tidbit of advice for couples that want to maybe explore more where the woman is receiving, whether that’s with a male partner or a female partner. You’re receiving and it’s oral sex. He always joked, “The key Clare, is that I can’t have my neck crooked. I can’t be uncomfortable,” which is so true in a massage world.
You can’t give a good massage if you’re straining and hurting yourself. It may feel good for a minute for the person but in the end, I’ve always been taught, “It has to feel good for you. When you’re comfortable and there’s that ease, you will give a much better massage. The receiver will feel that ease that’s coming from you.”
I’m a massage therapist at that point. We called my massage table the workbench and he would joke. He’s like, “I’m coming over. Can you break out the workbench?” We put the workbench at the right height for him to sit in a chair and then he’d be like, “Let’s put something comfortable for your legs. Let’s get you this.” He was sitting down to have 20 minutes, 30 minutes, or however long because he was comfortable. We would get into this thing where it was no longer the one, like stop at one because he had taught me, “Let’s not stop at one.”
It became the 1, 2, 3, and at some point, we got up to the 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. They would be all different. Through the research of my own, I know the difference between a clitoral versus a G-spot, versus an anal, versus a cervical. I have felt all of those in succession sometimes with him being Mr. Curious. He’s loving it because he’s making my world rock, shake, and explode. There were a lot of chemical hormones going on at that time.
What do you do with that? Was it like those Disney princess moments where they sing and the birds fly around? That’s what’s in my head. There are birds, baby deer, and things like that. Sex is such a huge part of life, relationships, and everything. Suddenly, what you thought that was is different. The sex that you thought was available to you, you’ve blown up.
In human development, you see it strongly in babies. They have a big developmental leap forward. The baby learns to walk and what they have is a sleep regression because their world becomes huge. That is a bit terrifying so they have a regression somewhere else. We do that as adults. Our world expands and there’s a regression elsewhere. Was it joyful? Were you skipping into the woods with your basket to have all this amazing new sex or was it not quite like that? What happened next?
I love that you said all that. When I was listening to you about the baby, the expansion, and the rest, I had a contraction in my vagina that was saying, “Yes. That’s exactly what happened.” I don’t even know because no one ever put words to that. This relationship was so tumultuous because he’d say, “Why are you running away from me or trying to sabotage this relationship?” It was all of those things because no one taught me. My mind is being blown. That’s so crazy.
I ended it with him. It was too much at some point but we’ve skirted around and circled back. Every couple of years, we’re like, “Could we make this work?” The sex is always fantastic and I don’t know why one of us blows up the relationship at some point. It was something I will say that opened the door. Great sex can make life great and give you more confidence and creativity because that was a whole new phase. These last few years have been a whole new phase for Clare.
Great sex can make life great, and it can definitely give you more confidence and more creativity. Click To TweetIt’s interesting because then menopause hit but I am here having had my mind blown with new ways of my body feeling and experiencing pleasure. I continued to find workarounds and I was motivated like, “I need estrogen. I need to have things because I can’t help it.” There’s vaginal dryness and that same person that I am so attracted to, my body’s not responding.
If you want to know more about that, go back to Season 2.
We had a couple with menopause. It’s like 10 and 11.
You take this new understanding, joy, and curiosity forward into future relationships and relationships that you’re having but I want to skirt that and say, “That’s great.” The last question that I want to ask you is the most personal question of all. How did that change your sex relationship and your relationship with yourself? Did you masturbate before? Was that something that was also like, “Occasionally, I do this thing. I have this one orgasm and that’s it. I’m done?” Self-pleasure is a huge part of your spiritual and creative practice. I hope that’s okay for me to say.
It is but it’s not so much masturbation with the self-pleasure, Rachel. There are partners that know that sex, good sex, and quality sex are important to me. I’m not going to settle for less-than-quality sex. They, as guys, in heterosexual relationships, assume because I can have many orgasms. My drive is I don’t live with these people so I don’t have to be like, “You didn’t clean the dishes. That took my drive away.” I have my life planned where I’m getting together with my partner to have pleasant fun and not real-life fun. That’s how I work my life at this point.
Back to the point is that they assume that because I am a sexual being, the way they see it, I must be masturbating daily. There was a time when I was like, “No. The last time I saw you is the last time that I had an orgasm.” They’re like, “What?” I will tell you that when I went through the coaching program in 2021, they had a lot more pleasure practices and that was very new for me. I also rebelled against it. I don’t want to sometimes be told to play with myself. That’s not what I want to do. Pleasure to me is more other things like massaging my body, listening to music, dancing, or movement. Those are the things. A massage is a pleasure in a box for me.
I would still say that I am not someone who masturbates regularly. I like having it where I’m playing with my partner and I build up a little bit of a drive and for that partner, missing them. If it’s once a week or once every two weeks that I see them, I don’t but I have to move my body. I have to feel pleasure in other ways. I source a lot of pleasure. I meditate a lot holding my womb or cupping my vulva because you’ll hear me say that a lot and do meditations.
I love that connection but I don’t need to masturbate. I would say I’m low on masturbation. My mind loves too many other things that I get sourced from pleasure. I love massaging my partner or myself. I have so much dopamine, serotonin, or oxytocin that gets released from it that feels so good that I don’t need to take it to full climax to feel so good.
As you said that, I was like, “I knew that. What a stupid question to ask,” but maybe our readers or you wanted me to ask it. We met one another virtually early in 2020. I remember you doing this course and we talk about it. You were a little bit like a stroppy toddler like, “I don’t want to. I want to have great sex. That’s what I want to do.” Masturbating, at some point, there was a whole like, “I don’t want to. That’s not where I get all my joy from. Don’t make me do that.”
To add, I met another coach who was in the program. She took self-pleasuring to this beautiful level where she would call it dates with herself. She would plan things, put on music, and do a little THC, a little marijuana but it’s in a gummy, or smoke it to put herself in the mood. If it was a full moon, she could go outside naked and dance. She’d have these cool dates with herself and that includes pleasuring. She’s single like me. It made her more confident because she wasn’t waiting for the guy to be the one to bring her pleasure and that’s very empowering.
I love that because we have said that in an episode before. “What’s the difference?” “When I’m with a guy, we light a candle. We put on some music.” I’m like, “Why don’t you do that for yourself?” You could do that for yourself.
It was the summer of 2021 when I had to have a coaching session with a fellow coach and she talked me through that. I said, “I don’t want to.” She said the same thing. “What makes sex so great with a partner?” I go through it and she’s like, “Do you ever do that?” I said, “No. I never put on music.” She’s like, “Why aren’t you?” I had no good reason except that I never thought of it.” That’s so weird. We’re all works in progress.
Thank you for sharing. What I would love to know is you don’t seem to be a person to me who is angry or holds grudges. Your journey has been your journey and where you are is beautiful. We’re glad for all the steps that have brought us here. I’m not asking you to go back and change anything but that Clare, who’s 60, what wisdom does she have?
Maybe even not for younger Clare because younger Clare had great experiences and a great life. Look where she is now. She would be so thrilled to be here to see you. For Natalie, your daughter, or your granddaughter that you’ll have one day, what would you like to change? What would you like to teach people?
That’s part of why I do what I do and we have our show. I have women’s circles and we want to have retreats. I want the process of when girls become maidens, they reach their first period, and even before that, they see strong women and women who are putting themselves first. Not all the time but we certainly could switch the needle a little bit from putting everyone first to putting ourselves first a few more percentage points of the time so that we fill our cups and we feel like we’re deserving and worthy.
Deservingness, worthiness, you have a right to be seen, and that you’re a clever girl and beautiful are all the things I will be whispering in these future grandchildren, especially if it’s a granddaughter’s ears. My daughter is doing a much better job than I have in terms of her relationship, waiting, and knowing what she wants.
Your body is a pleasure palace. It’s not a sin. It lights you up and will make you a better person. It’ll make you more creative. You will light other people up. My best compliments are from my clients who are like, “Are you always this happy and joyful?” It’s not all the time but I source so much. It’s not coming from anyone else but me at this point.
Your body is a pleasure palace. It lights you up and makes you a better person. Click To TweetI’ve learned that no one’s coming in to be my prince on a horse. It’s Clare. It’s the Empowered Enchantress, my business. It’s me. I love that every day. How do I find my joy? How do I make things happen and collect the people around me, the friends, and the family that make this a wonderful life? That’s what I would like the younger me or the future granddaughter to daughters do. I’ve got a whole dozen of them. They are like, “We can do anything.”
It may not look like it at times but there are moms and grandmothers that tell them how great they are and how they can achieve anything. Also, never stop thinking that you can’t achieve what you want to achieve because you can dream it. There is a reason that you were supposed to dream it and let’s figure out a way to make it happen. I want world peace as you start. I do. I also want more women to rule the world. Thank you very much and then we’ll get our world peace. Rachel, thank you so much. You’re the best interviewer. That was super fun.
Thank you so much for sticking with us again. We talk a lot and I know that you feel that we feel it deeply. We want world peace. If you want to talk a lot and talk a lot to us, you can send us an email. It could be as long as you like. We’ll read it. You can send that to EnchantingPodcast@Gmail.com.You can find us on Instagram if you want to send a slightly shorter message. It’s @Permission_Podcast.
The fact that you read this episode is such a beautiful support for us. Thank you. You are supporting us. Hooray for you. If you want to find another way, leave us a review wherever you read. It helps. Share it with a friend and say, “I found this weird show where these two women talk about masturbation. Don’t listen to it in front of your kids.” It would be so beautiful. This is something that is not a lucrative enterprise for us.
We’re doing it because we love you. We would love to find a way to beautifully and naturally keep doing this and stop throwing money in the pit. There are going to be books, workshops, retreats, and all sorts of gorgeous things coming your way. All of the freeways you can support us would help us make our dreams come true and maybe some of your dreams come true. We love you.
Thank you. We will see you in the next episode. I love you, Rachel.
I love you, Clare.
Important Links
- Episode 10 – Past Episode
- Episode 11 – Past Episode
- EnchantingPodcast@Gmail.com
- @Permission_Podcast – Instagram
